Drive Into the Sunrise

A  few days ago, I left Toccoa, GA on my way to Nashville to hang out with friends.  If you've been following the blog at all, you know that I have spent the past three weeks at the Georgia Baptist Conference Center working as the video director for Go Tell Minstry's summer camp.  It's been a blast, and I have made some significant friendships as well as having an awesome time just being free of the regular melee of daily life.  All in all, it's been a great month following a rough patch wherein I was let go from my job at Teen Mania- but this isn't about that.

About halfway through the trip (which involved getting lost no less than three times, several wrong turns, and scary horror scene like drives along deserted back roads), Abner (my driving buddy) got tired and asked if I could take the wheel for a while.  I, of course obliged and we continued on the road to Nashville.  Now, Abner's car does not have a radio and the iPod we were using suddenly died, so I was left with a sleeping Abner and not much in the way of external stimulation to keep my mind off the whirring sound of rubber against asphalt at 60 miles per hour.  It was strangely soothing, and since we were in no particular rush to make it home, I decided to just lay back and let my mind wander.  I mean, let's face it, I do have a fair amount to think about- my need for a job, a place to live, a plan for my life that God still seems to be holding close, etc.- so thinking right now wouldn't be a bad thing.  But then I started getting tired.

Now, normally, the rules of the guy roadtrip include such foolishness as, "keep driving and shake off the fatigue," or "you need to make it to your destination as quickly as possible."  None of these things were proving true for me, I was beat.  We had just finished three weeks at a summer camp and an all day load out, and my body was telling me it needed a rest.  So, I pulled to a rest stop on the side of the road and obliged it.  What was originally intended to be a 30 minute nap, turned into three hours of blissful sleep nestled between a military vet (as his bumper sticker indicated) and a minivan full of (presumably) sleeping kids.  I think I dreamt about something, though for the life of me I couldn't tell you what...

When I awoke, I had an innate sense of panic, as if I had missed out on something by sleeping for so long, as if the few hours I had spent with no forward motion were somehow going to drastically derail my plans and somehow throw me wildly off course.  But then, I felt as if something just said, "chill."  Nothing had been lost, and I had missed no pivotal event.  Sure, I wouldn't get to Nashville as quickly, but so what, what was there that required my immediate attention right now anyway?  What was so important, save the seeming joy of accomplishment at finishing a road trip in record time, that required me to hightail it across the states to make it to my destination in such a rush?  What was the hurry?

For those of you that know me well, you know that I hate roadtrips.  I hate sitting in cars for endless periods of time and I hate driving and driving and driving and driving and...you get the idea.  But what if my issue with roadtrips has less to do with the driving and more to do with the fact that we are always in a rush to "get" somewhere?  What if the issue really stems from the fact that we miss out on roadside stands and random balls of yarn along the way simply because the rules of the road mandate our expedience?  Why are we in such a hurry?  As I settled into the monotony of the drive a startling fact was made apparent to me, I would be driving into the sunrise.  I would get the opportunity to greet the dawn as it kissed the horizon with images of pink and purple and said hello to this part of the world.  I would be one of the few blessed enough to know what the start of a new day looks like.  While countless others lay slumbering in their beds, unaware of the beauty that lay just beyond their closed eyelids and shuttered houses, I was a part of the morning and was welcoming it into the world.  It was exhilirating.  

As the sun made its gradual ascent over the horizon in front of me, I couldn't help but smile at the fact that I would have missed this had I decided to push through the night.  If I had chosen to drive through the night I would have been like the countless others, safe and sound inside a bed as beauty exploded all around me and I slept blissfully unaware.  And I wondered, how much of my life is like that?  How much of my daily experience is a push for the expedient, a rush to get somewhere instead of drinking in the moments and beauty that surrounds me?  I eat for sustenance, never truly acknowledging the flavors that play across my tastebuds in even the simplest of meals.  I drive by fields so green as if from a painting and never even comment on their beauty, or see an attractive woman and never stop to tell her.  I am in such a rush to get...where?  What in the world am I rushing to do?  I have no job, and no idea what my next one will be.  I have great friends and a God that loves me, but I am more concerned with what's next than I am with what's now.  I am missing out on so much and I don't even realize all that I am missing.  How sad is that irony?  Not only am I missing out, but I am going so fast that I'm not even aware of what I am missing.

So I endeavor to slow down.  I endeavor to see sunrises and sunsets and share moments with people that I love.  I want to taste, not just consume food, and experience beauty in ways I had previously discounted or looked over.  I want to see all that God created and called "good," and understand why.  I want to live life and not just float through it because that's what you do for the time you're upon the earth.  In a few weeks, my grandfather turns 90, and the stories he has to tell are undoubtedly amazing- but I know none of them.  I have never gleaned the wisdom from a man who has seen world wars, the invention of all manner of world altering devices, and the birth of three children and countless grand and great grandchildren.  I have passed all this history by, and for what?  My expedient, but ultimately empty life?  Is this really what I have lived for?  Have I even lived? 

The Pursuit of Holiness

within Christian culture, we often speak of the "pursuit" of things like holiness, but what does this mean? Is holiness an ever moving target that we are constantly striving after? Is it something which can be attained, or will it constantly be shifting and changing, becoming ever more elusive as its parameters and requirements consistently change? Is there an ultimate standard of holiness to which we ascribe, or is even that shifting? I know the Bible says to "be holy as (God) is holy," but is that genuinely possible? Look at the Israelites in the Bible, even their holiness came in levels. The kind of holiness the Levites were called to was vastly different from that which the average Israelite found themselves ascribing to. You didn't see Ashimibimilech (name changed to protect the ignorant- me) going through nearly the level of purification that Aaron and his peeps did. Why not? If there is no respect of persons in God, should this be the case? If the Bible speaks of there being neither Jew nor Greek in God's eyes, shouldn't that mean there is some ultimate standard of "holy" that we are in pursuit of or are we genuinely called to have a level of "holy" we seek after? If levels, how do we know what our specific one is? Thoughts?
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Who I used to be

I got the opportunity to go to Toccoa Falls today. It's this little waterfall tucked away on the backside of a college campus in Toccoa, GA where I've been for the past few weeks. I went with some new friends and it was awesome. The sound of the water rushing over the side of the cliff soothed me in a way I had forgotten existed.

As I climbed through well worn paths and trails previously cut by would-be explorers, I was reminded of who I used to be. I was reminded what it was like to be the adventurous kid with little in the way of fear who would strike out on adventures with or without friends by my side. I was reminded of what it was like to camp, fish, hike and bike with little regard for anything save the experience. I was reminded what it was like to blaze trails and to construct stories of explorers of old who had trod the same paths where my feet now stood. I was reminded of a simpler time where life was good, not because it was always naturally that way, but rather because I was committed to search hard enough, and dig deep enough to find the good. I was reminded what it was like to search for a treasure made that much sweeter by its pursuit. I want to go back there.

I want to again blaze trails and not expect the status quo to satisfy me. I want to push limits and defy boundaries to keep me penned in. I want to press past what is seen for the sheer hope that a more exciting something lays just beyond a seemingly imperceptible veil. I want to be limited only by my ability to imagine and my willingness to attain what I dream of. I am limitless because God is limitless and I dare boundaries to stand in my way. God, help me to always remember that.

D-$
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When nothing speaks

So, I went out yesterday with the intention to hear from God. I wanted the direction that everyone says comes from places of openness and abandonment. I wanted to find out where my "next" was. So I sat, surrounded by a dozen or so people, my thoughts were turned inwards, searching for the kernel of an answer that I just knew had to be there. Many times I have pondered, wondering how all that I love and want to do will play together. I want to know (as I am sure we all do) how the skills, desires and abilities will somehow coalesce into something tangible, something forward moving, something life altering. I want to know my future.

But, as I sat there, the one thing that kept reverberating in my mind was a simple phrase- "don't rush it.". Don't rush what, my desire for clarity? I would hardly venture to say that the path towards purpose I am on is a hurried one. No, it's been full of setbacks, pitfalls, and detours I never would have nor could have accounted for if given the chance. I move forward, only to realize that it seems as if I am going in circles with the same thing continuing to repeat itself. But then I am reminded of an analogy...

We always speak of climbing mountains, as if the pinnacle of said mountain is our dream fully actualized. I'm not going to seek to refute that mindset, so let's go with it for a minute. If you've ever been hiking up the side of a mountain, you know that the best way to hike it is to essentially backtrack your steps over and over again. These paths are called "switchbacks," and what you find yourself doing is travelling in a zig zag pattern up the mountain constantly going higher and higher until the apex (or your respective basecamp) is reached. What's interesting is that you are liable to see the same view from the mountain a few times through the course of your trek- but you're not lost. Yes, you've been here before, but "here" is slightly different because you are now looking from a slightly higher vantage point. Your perspective has changed. Where once the trees that stood before you appeared to be a seemingly insurmountable ridgeline, you are soon eye level with treetops towering hundreds of feet above where your journey first began. You now see and live where birds freely fly, untouched by the predators that could have at one time so easily ensnared them. Yeah, the view's very similar, but now you can see a little more and gaze a little farther. Now the present that once looked so bleak looks glorious in the light of the setting sun. Now the present has become the past and your triumph over it propels you ever forward to a higher future. Oh yeah, and let's not forget that your new vantage point gives you the wisdom to be able to look at what others travelling the same path are experiencing and call out to them, reminding them that perseverance wins. Wait it out, push forward, and know that the present isn't for always and that the higher you go, the brighter it gets and the bluer the sky becomes.

So, what won't I rush? This process. Its painful and at times my heart aches to be settled, but there's beauty in pain for those committed enough to find it. There's purpose always lurking even if its difficult at times to see it. So, I'll cherish this process, I'll relish it and all that it will teach me. Every step is a step higher, and though the scenery may seem similar, I know I'm ultimately headed to something more and won't always stay here.

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The Hope of Silence

So, I'm sitting out here at the lake listening...to nothing, and it's the most beautiful nothing I've ever heard. There are no city sirens, no artificial light, no distracting things to draw me away from this...nothing. Now more than ever before I understand why God time and time again tells people to go into the middle of nowhere to seek Him. Its in these nowhere places that, all too often we find him more than we thought possible, and definitely more than we anticipated. It's in these nowhere moments that God speaks in the voice of the breeze rustling through the trees, or touches us as it brushes past our skin. It's here that God tells us to listen up as the gentle sound of birds reminds us that there's more to our life than our here and our now, but that this thing has been going on for far longer than we can imagine and we are just a part. It reminds us that the part we play is God's to direct and if we will let him, we'll see a masterpiece created. It reminds us of hope- the hope found in silence.
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This is where I'm staying

Yeah, so this is the beauty I get to stay in for the next three weeks. Life is good. God is better.
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Go Tell Day 1

Ok, I arrived in Atl today and made it to the camp. It's pretty sweet. Bordering a lake is some of themost pristine and beautiful land I have seen. I'm really loving it so far and really think these next few weeks are going to be amazing. I'll have the time to read and write that I haven't had in quite a while. I'll do the whole nature walk thing, and who knows, maybe I'll even start running again (I do have new sneakers after all). Yeah, this'll be a good trip, worship daily with a bunch of kids passionate for Jesus and hanging out with some pretty cool guys. I'm excited. The only thing I'm not excited about is the state of the video rack I'm to be using. The guy who had it before me obviously believed int he "do everything from memory" method, so nothing is labeled and nothing really makes sense. But that's tomorrow's problem. For now, I'm off to read some more. Until later...

D-$

What people do when they have lots of free time...

So, in case you haven't heard, I was let go from my job at Teen Mania last week. I won't bore you with all the details. Today was my first day unemployed, and it was actually a blast. I went in to Tyler and went shopping- for myself (something I have not done in months, maybe even years). I bought a sweet pair of shoes and some other randomness, but today I enjoyed life for me. I hung out with a friend and just had an all around good time. The catalyst for my shopping is the most important part though.

Yesterday I was sitting at lunch with some friends- it was a bit of a going away party for me, so the subject of "what's next" naturally came up. To be honest, I had and have no idea. I know it seems like we've been down this path before and if you're unsure of what I mean, check in the archives of this blog, or go to my myspace for more detail. It does seem like this is a recurring theme, but nevertheless, here I am- what's next? I obviously replied that I had no idea. I was going to move back to Tulsa but that is seeming less and less likely as time goes on.

Out of the blue, they offered to send me to the Atlanta area for three weeks because one of their production personnel had backed out. So, there goes the ram in the bush for right now. After three weeks passes, I'll be right back where I was yesterday, with no idea what's next, but if God was faithful for me in this, he will be faithful in that time as well. Who knows, maybe I'll just travel around visiting friends. I may just be coming to a city near you. Keep checking the blog for updates and follow me on twitter. See you online. To the CCM/Marketing kids- I love you guys. You all are some of the most talented people I have met and I am honored to
have worked alongside you. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to get to know each of you and if you ever need anything, do not hesitate to ask (except for Bertha, you I will not help). To my peeps, you know how much each of you mean to me, so thank you for letting me be your leader, your friend, and your co-worker. God bless all that each of you do from this point on. Call/email/text/twitter me if you ever need anything.

D-$