One of my biggest struggles throughout the course of my life has been in the area of finances. Namely in my ability to control my own. I could come up with all sorts of excuses or reasons that have led me to my current financial state, but the reality is that I have just never really tried to get a handle on my finances. I have always lived (at least partially) in the mentality that, if I worked hard enough, I would become rich and then money wouldn't be an issue. Is that a silly way of looking at things? Absolutely, but it's nevertheless true.
Several people, including one ex-girlfriend, have prompted me over the years to get help in this area, but I was stubborn and committed to figuring it out myself. The irony is that I knew all along that I wasn't going to get it on my own, considering that no other area of struggle in my life has ever been conquered by myself, but nevertheless I plodded along...and ended up in further trouble than I had previously found myself. Now, don't get me wrong, there have been some strides, but by and large I find myself today in the same place I was years ago, with no discipline or direction in the area of financial accountability. This morning I finally decided to do something about it. I called someone I have never met to ask them to help with one of the more personal (and embarrassment inducing) areas of my life.
Crown Financial is a Christian organization designed to help people get a handle on their finances and set up a financial accountability structure within which they can operate and thrive. I was told about it once by an ex of mine, but I never called, never researched, never did anything with the information really. I just continued to wallow in the same level of financial inadequacy that I had for quite some time...until today. I finally called the financial counselor that the organization had recommended to me, and let me tell you- it was about as difficult as anything I've ever done. It was as difficult as starting step studies and getting into recovery at church, as hard as admitting to a group of guys that I struggle with things, as gut-wrenching as being willing to be open and honest and engage community. This was difficult. But I believe it will be good. I have no idea yet what this process will look like, only that it too is a part of the development that I am undergoing in an ever increasing desire to be complete. It is a part of the process of living with unveiled face and reflecting the glory of God to the world, and of being the fragrance of God in the Earth. This next step for me is as important as any I've previously undertaken and I am looking forward to it, even if the process frightens me just a bit.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
There's a Heaviness...
I'm currently sitting in a hotel room in Waycross, GA, where I've been for the past several days working audio at an evangelistic crusade for Rick Gage Ministries. It's been interesting to say the least. Between the rain lat night in the middle of the message/altar call, the KFC offering buckets, and climbing 25 ft up in the air everyday and risking life and limb for the sake of a stupid chain, I have a list of stories that will last me well into the next year. But a retelling of my experiences is not the point of this post.
As I have been here, I can not shake this overarching heaviness that is weighing on my heart. Beyond that, I can not figure out its source. I spoke with a friend of mine today about a similar situation and encouraged her to pray and ask God what was trying to be said, and what lesson was being conveyed in the form of this weight. Perhaps this is my way of doing that. Maybe this is my prayer to God. Or maybe it's just the ramblings of a frustrated 27 year old stuck in rural Georgia. Either way, things need to break, change, or let up. Some clarity needs to reveal itself soon, and some new horizon needs to dawn soon. So, yeah...what's this heaviness God? Put me on and free me from this introspective prison.
Add to that the feeling of loneliness that I have been experiencing of late. Most know that there was a recent breakup in my past. For the most part, I have purposely chosen to remain silent about it, save to a few close friends. But, it's been difficult. It's been difficult to walk through life (albeit relatively briefly) with someone you had allowed in so close, only to have it all wrest from your grasp so suddenly. The irony is that, even in that, I know it was all good and right for me. All of it- the meeting of this amazing woman, the dating, even the break up. All of it was good and a part of the further development and healing of my soul and mind. But that doesn't make it any less difficult. Seeing how God used all of it to heal me of wounds so deep that their denial was denied does not make the reality of the situations any less potent. Nor does seeing how I am in a much healthier place internally with a much better sense of self (my true self) make the feeling of loneliness any less real.
I'm not sure that this is going to be one of those posts that ends in resolution. I think this might just be one of those laments we find in the Psalms, where David just bitches and moans and shakes his fists frustratedly in the air. Yeah, pretty sure this is one of those moments. I'm frustrated, heavy, and lonely.
But God is still God, and that counts for something.
I guess it did resolve after all.
As I have been here, I can not shake this overarching heaviness that is weighing on my heart. Beyond that, I can not figure out its source. I spoke with a friend of mine today about a similar situation and encouraged her to pray and ask God what was trying to be said, and what lesson was being conveyed in the form of this weight. Perhaps this is my way of doing that. Maybe this is my prayer to God. Or maybe it's just the ramblings of a frustrated 27 year old stuck in rural Georgia. Either way, things need to break, change, or let up. Some clarity needs to reveal itself soon, and some new horizon needs to dawn soon. So, yeah...what's this heaviness God? Put me on and free me from this introspective prison.
Add to that the feeling of loneliness that I have been experiencing of late. Most know that there was a recent breakup in my past. For the most part, I have purposely chosen to remain silent about it, save to a few close friends. But, it's been difficult. It's been difficult to walk through life (albeit relatively briefly) with someone you had allowed in so close, only to have it all wrest from your grasp so suddenly. The irony is that, even in that, I know it was all good and right for me. All of it- the meeting of this amazing woman, the dating, even the break up. All of it was good and a part of the further development and healing of my soul and mind. But that doesn't make it any less difficult. Seeing how God used all of it to heal me of wounds so deep that their denial was denied does not make the reality of the situations any less potent. Nor does seeing how I am in a much healthier place internally with a much better sense of self (my true self) make the feeling of loneliness any less real.
I'm not sure that this is going to be one of those posts that ends in resolution. I think this might just be one of those laments we find in the Psalms, where David just bitches and moans and shakes his fists frustratedly in the air. Yeah, pretty sure this is one of those moments. I'm frustrated, heavy, and lonely.
But God is still God, and that counts for something.
I guess it did resolve after all.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Monday (okay Tuesday) After Easter
This is a repost from a friend of mine who is a pastor at Sanctuary Church in Tulsa, OK. I would say enjoy, but if you're like me, it will be more challenging than enjoyable...
Early on in the second volume of Luke-Acts, Luke records an early clash between the nascent church and the ruling elite of Jerusalem over the healing of a lame man who used to beg at the Temple:
"18Then they (the Sanhedrin) called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. 19But Peter and John replied, 'Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God. 20For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.'
21After further threats they let them go. They could not decide how to punish them, because all the people were praising God for what had happened. 22For the man who was miraculously healed was over forty years old.
23On their release, Peter and John went back to their own people and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said to them. 24When they heard this, they raised their voices together in prayer to God. 'Sovereign Lord,' they said, 'you made the heaven and the earth and the sea, and everything in them. 25You spoke by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of your servant, our father David:
'Why do the nations rage
and the peoples plot in vain?
26The kings of the earth take their stand
and the rulers gather together
against the Lord
and against his Messiah.'
27Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed. 28They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen. 29Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. 30Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus.' "
It was not long into the career of the early church that the confession and resultant way of life that issued from that confession (God raised Jesus, the one you killed, which means that a universal change of regime is underway) put the church at odds with the world (in this case, Jerusalem). Luke is quite explicit on this point. In Acts 2, the people of Jerusalem perceive the early church as an oddity. By Acts 3 they are perceived as an undeniable threat to establishment power. Something about the confession that God raised Jesus from the dead disturbed the regnant powers-that-be. That this antipathy should be understood not just a one-off historical irregularity but as the inevitable state of affairs between that group of people that confesses the Crucified One as the Living Lord and those who feel their claims to power slipping away at His displacing rule is confirmed by Luke's use of Psalm 2 as paradigmatic for the church's life in a hostile world - God reigns through his Messiah, that is, Jesus; and at this reality every other claimant to power writhes and rages. For his reign disturbs and threatens.
Christ is risen, the church declared yesterday.
He is risen indeed.
But the world knows this not. And even our very lives have yet to be redefined by the judging and saving word that the empty tomb represents. I wonder whether we're prepared to face the terror of a living Lord who reigns in and through and over our times, provoking us to newness even as he brings the present regime(s) to an end. I wonder whether we're prepared to lock eyes with the one whose fidelity exposes us even as it overcomes our own hatred of him. I wonder if we're prepared to accept the shape of the kingdom whose King calls us to new and dangerous expressions of neighborliness, mercy, justice, and community.
Christ is risen.
But are we ready for it?
I think that we are probably a lot less like the Spirit-imbued apostolic community and a lot more like the women in Mark who first encounter the empty tomb, who left in fear and silence, "trembling and bewildered" (surely this is Mark's way of provoking his own community to acknowledge their ongoing failure to embody the Resurrection reality in the world). We just aren't sure what we would do with a living Christ, or where we would put him, or how he fits in our safe little suburban ghettos, so we relegate him to the mystical and dare not talk about the material. I wonder, does the Risen one have anything substantial to say to whether or not a Christian should drive a Hummer or live in a million dollar home? Perhaps we are not ready to ask questions like that, but I think we should be honest about the fact that Resurrection is a trifle, a fairytale, a fable, a myth if we cannot ask questions like that ... if his world-subverting rule cannot call the shape of our taken-for-granted realities into question.
No, I think it would be too generous to suggest that we are like the women at the tomb in Mark 16. Rather I think it more accurate to suggest that we are like the conspirators in Matthew who sought to change the story to protect their vested interests. A risen Christ is far too troubling, too dangerous, too disturbing. Better to modify the details and mute the implications to protect the world we've erected unto ourselves than to wonder whether or not Resurrection might have something to say to, for instance, the racism and fear of the "other" that while unacknowledged still is undeniably encoded into the structures of most of our lives.
I'm just wondering this morning, the Monday after Easter, whether or not Resurrection means anything, or if it's just an empty cipher that provides us all with a sense of transcendence? I'm wondering why the populace is not threatened every year as the church makes her annual return to Golgotha and then, to the empty tomb?
Is it possible, I'm wondering...
IS IT POSSIBLE
that it's because we've turned Resurrection into an empty idea, into a Precious Moments illusion that makes us feel nice and warm inside all the while failing to provide an impetus or rationale for questioning, for example, whether a society that is sustained by a cultural ethos based on shopping can ever claim moral leadership in world affairs.
I'm just wondering.
Just wondering why Resurrection is not perceived as dangerous. Why the church's yearly return to the primal confession doesn't cause the powers to tremble...
Maybe, I'm wondering, we're missing something.
Seems to me that the news of Resurrection puts Christians in the Bible in an automatically awkward position. There are times of peace and quiet, to be sure, but more often than not wherever the news that "God raised Jesus from the dead" is announced in its thick, deep, salvation-historical, Hebraic, messianic, sociopolitical sense, Christians start dying or, at the very least, getting the living daylights beat out of them. It's arguable, I suppose, that the more morally robust a society is, the more capable it is of hearing the truth, but I hardly think that our culture is just so morally stout as to be capable of hearing the news about Resurrection and not panic... I think rather that the error lies on the side of an accomodationist Western church that knows how to say but not how to live "Jesus is Lord"; that is to say, "Caesar is NOT."
Or better yet...
Democracy is NOT
Capitalism is NOT
Consumerism is NOT
Nationalism is NOT
Militarism is NOT
America (and every other self-secured nation in the West) is NOT
For all these "powers" fall under the theological rubric provided by Psalm 2 and as such must too bend the knee to this Living Lord who judges and saves, and woe betide us if we become so safe in bed with our culture at large that we fail to maintain the theological (that is to say, prophetic) distance necessary to call these idolatrous powers into question; to be able to say, "This far you come and no further."
Christ is risen.
But are we ready for it?
Do we believe it?
It in a consumeristic, militaristic, nationalistic, narcissistic, hedonistic dogmatically pluralistic societal ethos, one wonders how Easter Sunday is still one of the most well-attended church services of the year. One might expect crowds to stay away in droves on this, the most dangerous day of the church calendar, and to attend instead during those ordinary seasons when we teach people how to be nice and have success in their careers (read: fit in in Western civilization).
This morning I am thinking that the gospel is not nice. It is not safe. And neither is the One it proclaims.
But it, and He, to quote C. S. Lewis, is good. With a goodness that so surpasses our perception of "the good" that it ought to disturb and terrify us. That it doesn't, that Monday after Easter Sunday can come and nothing is different, is an indication at least to me that the church in the West is sick, and probably dying, for we've lost the nerve to name the Name in all it's disturbing otherness, and so to challenge...
every rival Lord,
every rival politics,
every rival economics,
and every rival ethics,
that refuses to acknowledge the Resurrected one as Lord of all.
God help us.
Early on in the second volume of Luke-Acts, Luke records an early clash between the nascent church and the ruling elite of Jerusalem over the healing of a lame man who used to beg at the Temple:
"18Then they (the Sanhedrin) called them in again and commanded them not to speak or teach at all in the name of Jesus. 19But Peter and John replied, 'Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God's sight to obey you rather than God. 20For we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.'
21After further threats they let them go. They could not decide how to punish them, because all the people were praising God for what had happened. 22For the man who was miraculously healed was over forty years old.
23On their release, Peter and John went back to their own people and reported all that the chief priests and elders had said to them. 24When they heard this, they raised their voices together in prayer to God. 'Sovereign Lord,' they said, 'you made the heaven and the earth and the sea, and everything in them. 25You spoke by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of your servant, our father David:
'Why do the nations rage
and the peoples plot in vain?
26The kings of the earth take their stand
and the rulers gather together
against the Lord
and against his Messiah.'
27Indeed Herod and Pontius Pilate met together with the Gentiles and the people of Israel in this city to conspire against your holy servant Jesus, whom you anointed. 28They did what your power and will had decided beforehand should happen. 29Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. 30Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus.' "
It was not long into the career of the early church that the confession and resultant way of life that issued from that confession (God raised Jesus, the one you killed, which means that a universal change of regime is underway) put the church at odds with the world (in this case, Jerusalem). Luke is quite explicit on this point. In Acts 2, the people of Jerusalem perceive the early church as an oddity. By Acts 3 they are perceived as an undeniable threat to establishment power. Something about the confession that God raised Jesus from the dead disturbed the regnant powers-that-be. That this antipathy should be understood not just a one-off historical irregularity but as the inevitable state of affairs between that group of people that confesses the Crucified One as the Living Lord and those who feel their claims to power slipping away at His displacing rule is confirmed by Luke's use of Psalm 2 as paradigmatic for the church's life in a hostile world - God reigns through his Messiah, that is, Jesus; and at this reality every other claimant to power writhes and rages. For his reign disturbs and threatens.
Christ is risen, the church declared yesterday.
He is risen indeed.
But the world knows this not. And even our very lives have yet to be redefined by the judging and saving word that the empty tomb represents. I wonder whether we're prepared to face the terror of a living Lord who reigns in and through and over our times, provoking us to newness even as he brings the present regime(s) to an end. I wonder whether we're prepared to lock eyes with the one whose fidelity exposes us even as it overcomes our own hatred of him. I wonder if we're prepared to accept the shape of the kingdom whose King calls us to new and dangerous expressions of neighborliness, mercy, justice, and community.
Christ is risen.
But are we ready for it?
I think that we are probably a lot less like the Spirit-imbued apostolic community and a lot more like the women in Mark who first encounter the empty tomb, who left in fear and silence, "trembling and bewildered" (surely this is Mark's way of provoking his own community to acknowledge their ongoing failure to embody the Resurrection reality in the world). We just aren't sure what we would do with a living Christ, or where we would put him, or how he fits in our safe little suburban ghettos, so we relegate him to the mystical and dare not talk about the material. I wonder, does the Risen one have anything substantial to say to whether or not a Christian should drive a Hummer or live in a million dollar home? Perhaps we are not ready to ask questions like that, but I think we should be honest about the fact that Resurrection is a trifle, a fairytale, a fable, a myth if we cannot ask questions like that ... if his world-subverting rule cannot call the shape of our taken-for-granted realities into question.
No, I think it would be too generous to suggest that we are like the women at the tomb in Mark 16. Rather I think it more accurate to suggest that we are like the conspirators in Matthew who sought to change the story to protect their vested interests. A risen Christ is far too troubling, too dangerous, too disturbing. Better to modify the details and mute the implications to protect the world we've erected unto ourselves than to wonder whether or not Resurrection might have something to say to, for instance, the racism and fear of the "other" that while unacknowledged still is undeniably encoded into the structures of most of our lives.
I'm just wondering this morning, the Monday after Easter, whether or not Resurrection means anything, or if it's just an empty cipher that provides us all with a sense of transcendence? I'm wondering why the populace is not threatened every year as the church makes her annual return to Golgotha and then, to the empty tomb?
Is it possible, I'm wondering...
IS IT POSSIBLE
that it's because we've turned Resurrection into an empty idea, into a Precious Moments illusion that makes us feel nice and warm inside all the while failing to provide an impetus or rationale for questioning, for example, whether a society that is sustained by a cultural ethos based on shopping can ever claim moral leadership in world affairs.
I'm just wondering.
Just wondering why Resurrection is not perceived as dangerous. Why the church's yearly return to the primal confession doesn't cause the powers to tremble...
Maybe, I'm wondering, we're missing something.
Seems to me that the news of Resurrection puts Christians in the Bible in an automatically awkward position. There are times of peace and quiet, to be sure, but more often than not wherever the news that "God raised Jesus from the dead" is announced in its thick, deep, salvation-historical, Hebraic, messianic, sociopolitical sense, Christians start dying or, at the very least, getting the living daylights beat out of them. It's arguable, I suppose, that the more morally robust a society is, the more capable it is of hearing the truth, but I hardly think that our culture is just so morally stout as to be capable of hearing the news about Resurrection and not panic... I think rather that the error lies on the side of an accomodationist Western church that knows how to say but not how to live "Jesus is Lord"; that is to say, "Caesar is NOT."
Or better yet...
Democracy is NOT
Capitalism is NOT
Consumerism is NOT
Nationalism is NOT
Militarism is NOT
America (and every other self-secured nation in the West) is NOT
For all these "powers" fall under the theological rubric provided by Psalm 2 and as such must too bend the knee to this Living Lord who judges and saves, and woe betide us if we become so safe in bed with our culture at large that we fail to maintain the theological (that is to say, prophetic) distance necessary to call these idolatrous powers into question; to be able to say, "This far you come and no further."
Christ is risen.
But are we ready for it?
Do we believe it?
It in a consumeristic, militaristic, nationalistic, narcissistic, hedonistic dogmatically pluralistic societal ethos, one wonders how Easter Sunday is still one of the most well-attended church services of the year. One might expect crowds to stay away in droves on this, the most dangerous day of the church calendar, and to attend instead during those ordinary seasons when we teach people how to be nice and have success in their careers (read: fit in in Western civilization).
This morning I am thinking that the gospel is not nice. It is not safe. And neither is the One it proclaims.
But it, and He, to quote C. S. Lewis, is good. With a goodness that so surpasses our perception of "the good" that it ought to disturb and terrify us. That it doesn't, that Monday after Easter Sunday can come and nothing is different, is an indication at least to me that the church in the West is sick, and probably dying, for we've lost the nerve to name the Name in all it's disturbing otherness, and so to challenge...
every rival Lord,
every rival politics,
every rival economics,
and every rival ethics,
that refuses to acknowledge the Resurrected one as Lord of all.
God help us.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Even Unto Death...?
There I was, standing and looking out over the Pacific Ocean in San Diego. In my ears played the refrain of a song off of ORU Music Ministries' album, "Until the Whole World Knows." While I enjoy most of the album, the one song that seemed to stick to me is one called "Persecution." Dark I know, right-but it's awesome. The basic premise of the song is that true worship and purification happen through the trials that we face and our willingness to walk through them and still sing out praises to our God. We eventually will join with the elders (that's for you Kelbert) and the scores of saints that have gone before in singing that our God is holy and is worthy of all praise. It's a haunting reminder that this life is not all that there is, and that our ultimate goal, our chief aim, is to bring about the praise and glory of our Lord.
Then I started thinking, what about those elders who have gone before me? In particular, there's this line in the song that really jumped out at me. As the song is resolving, the worship leader says, "we will be as those who boldly come before the throne and sing the elders' song...even unto death." Really? Unto death? The weight of that line is massive. The idea that we are called to sing worship to God, even in the face of death is a daunting reminder of my failure to even come close to that. It's so easy to praise God when things are going well, or more solemnly, when things are not going so well so long as there is an innate belief that it will all resolve itself to our good. But what of the idea that our praise and worship is to be extended even at the point of our death- when it is apparent that things are not going to work out like we want them? What of the stories of the saints and elders like Stephen who, even at the point of his death could look up towards heaven and see Jesus and then with his last breath speak forgiveness over those who were killing him? What of Paul and Silas, of the Apostle John, of Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela who could believe in and worship a Savior in spite of facing and embracing death in a very real and tangible sense? What do we do with those stories in a worldview that has no idea what it really means to "face death all the day long" as Psalm 44:22 says. Am I really willing or ready to worship God to the point of my death? Do I value His love and sacrifice to that point, or is it merely idle chatter and pretty (albeit haunting) songs that fill my day with no real connection to my actual life?
Let's take a step back. Is there anything for which I am willing to die? I would dare say that at this point there isn't- and that scares me. Martin Luther King, Jr. said "if a man is not willing to die for something he is not fit to live. " Could I extend it slightly and say that the person who has not found something worth dying for has not yet begun to live? I mean, consider it- if there is nothing for which we would be willing to sacrifice everything, then how can we accurately love anything? Do I rightly love God if I would not be willing in more than word to lay down my life? Is God enough, or do I think that adding to Him is necessary in order to fully appreciate and embrace life? Further, by adding to Him, do I take away from who he really is? Hint- the answer is yes.
And there's still one step further this journey is taking me. Am I willing to die...to myself. Now, I am not referring to the oft used reference of "death to self" referring to a subduing of passions and desires in pursuit of some as yet unattainable divine goal or spiritual "attitude." I am talking of my willingness to put upon the altar of my life any dreams and ambitions to see if, when tried by fire, they last and are found to actually be God's plans. We all make plans- it's in our nature to do so. We take into account our ambitions, abilities, desires, and any number of other factors in order to create a plan for our lives that we intend to walk out. Often, these plans are built out of a desire to do the will of God for our lives (however elusive that may seem to be at times), and we strive with all earnest to see them come about. But would we be willing to lay them down? I mean, Saul knew that he was doing God's work, and pursued it with as much vigor and fervor as he possibly could. Then God stepped in and changed everything. Moses was completely content living a life of luxury in the palace of the king until a situation arose that shook him to the very core of his being and sent him fleeing into the desert (where he would spend the remainder of his days). Abraham was a good man who became righteous simply because he "believed" when God called out to him. The key factor with all these people? God stepped in and they were willing to be changed. The key question for me? Would I be as willing to let everything I knew, everything I felt "called" to do, everything I was sure of be held by the master and shaped into what it is he precisely wants?
I sure hope so.
In truth, the Bible is replete with stories of men and women who were pursuing their plans and passions, only to have those plans shaken by an encounter with a very real God. Fishermen left their trade and their families to pursue an unknown man with a panache for pissing people off, shepherds left the comfort and familiarity of their flock to confront an army, and women left behind the established order and societal conventions in order to ensure that the gospel was preached and established. The ultimate flexibility of these people's plans met the immovability of a sovereign God's plans for each of us and the restoration of the world to Himself. I pray that I might be one who, as these did, would be willing to lay down what is firm in my mind for what is ultimate in His heart.
Then I started thinking, what about those elders who have gone before me? In particular, there's this line in the song that really jumped out at me. As the song is resolving, the worship leader says, "we will be as those who boldly come before the throne and sing the elders' song...even unto death." Really? Unto death? The weight of that line is massive. The idea that we are called to sing worship to God, even in the face of death is a daunting reminder of my failure to even come close to that. It's so easy to praise God when things are going well, or more solemnly, when things are not going so well so long as there is an innate belief that it will all resolve itself to our good. But what of the idea that our praise and worship is to be extended even at the point of our death- when it is apparent that things are not going to work out like we want them? What of the stories of the saints and elders like Stephen who, even at the point of his death could look up towards heaven and see Jesus and then with his last breath speak forgiveness over those who were killing him? What of Paul and Silas, of the Apostle John, of Martin Luther King and Nelson Mandela who could believe in and worship a Savior in spite of facing and embracing death in a very real and tangible sense? What do we do with those stories in a worldview that has no idea what it really means to "face death all the day long" as Psalm 44:22 says. Am I really willing or ready to worship God to the point of my death? Do I value His love and sacrifice to that point, or is it merely idle chatter and pretty (albeit haunting) songs that fill my day with no real connection to my actual life?
Let's take a step back. Is there anything for which I am willing to die? I would dare say that at this point there isn't- and that scares me. Martin Luther King, Jr. said "if a man is not willing to die for something he is not fit to live. " Could I extend it slightly and say that the person who has not found something worth dying for has not yet begun to live? I mean, consider it- if there is nothing for which we would be willing to sacrifice everything, then how can we accurately love anything? Do I rightly love God if I would not be willing in more than word to lay down my life? Is God enough, or do I think that adding to Him is necessary in order to fully appreciate and embrace life? Further, by adding to Him, do I take away from who he really is? Hint- the answer is yes.
And there's still one step further this journey is taking me. Am I willing to die...to myself. Now, I am not referring to the oft used reference of "death to self" referring to a subduing of passions and desires in pursuit of some as yet unattainable divine goal or spiritual "attitude." I am talking of my willingness to put upon the altar of my life any dreams and ambitions to see if, when tried by fire, they last and are found to actually be God's plans. We all make plans- it's in our nature to do so. We take into account our ambitions, abilities, desires, and any number of other factors in order to create a plan for our lives that we intend to walk out. Often, these plans are built out of a desire to do the will of God for our lives (however elusive that may seem to be at times), and we strive with all earnest to see them come about. But would we be willing to lay them down? I mean, Saul knew that he was doing God's work, and pursued it with as much vigor and fervor as he possibly could. Then God stepped in and changed everything. Moses was completely content living a life of luxury in the palace of the king until a situation arose that shook him to the very core of his being and sent him fleeing into the desert (where he would spend the remainder of his days). Abraham was a good man who became righteous simply because he "believed" when God called out to him. The key factor with all these people? God stepped in and they were willing to be changed. The key question for me? Would I be as willing to let everything I knew, everything I felt "called" to do, everything I was sure of be held by the master and shaped into what it is he precisely wants?
I sure hope so.
In truth, the Bible is replete with stories of men and women who were pursuing their plans and passions, only to have those plans shaken by an encounter with a very real God. Fishermen left their trade and their families to pursue an unknown man with a panache for pissing people off, shepherds left the comfort and familiarity of their flock to confront an army, and women left behind the established order and societal conventions in order to ensure that the gospel was preached and established. The ultimate flexibility of these people's plans met the immovability of a sovereign God's plans for each of us and the restoration of the world to Himself. I pray that I might be one who, as these did, would be willing to lay down what is firm in my mind for what is ultimate in His heart.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Lenten Reflection (yes, I wanted it to Rhyme)
So, here we are, right smack dab in the midst of Lent. It's an interesting time for many: people giving up stuff, talking about what they gave up, and in some cases, drawing closer to God in the process. My question right now is why?
Let me explain what I mean. Many of us go into Lent without a fully accurate understanding of its history. There is this pervasive misconception that it is somehow a season instituted through some biblical mandate to set aside very specific time surrounding the date of our remembrance of Christ's death to become more fully aligned with that suffering by...um...giving up XBOX? Yeah, there seems to be a disconnect there for me. I mean, isn't this season of Christ's death and subsequent resurrection supposed to be more of a time to remember how those acts bought us out of the hands of a fate far worse than death? Isn't Christ's resurrection, the cross upon which he hung, and the tomb in which he lay more about how we are now walking in "the righteousness of God" then how we should give up ultimately meaningless things to somehow remember him more fully? Don't get me wrong, I am all about pulling away from the everyday and the things which consume us to focus on getting to know God more, but how many of us actually do that? How many of us lay things down and actually turn our efforts and attentions that would normally be focused on ourselves on the one who created those same selves? Or is it (as it has been for me), something we do because giving up stuff for God makes us feel better about us, and somehow helps us feel as if we are a part of the process of sanctification/justification/righteousness that we are all called to?
Let's start with an obvious (according to the scripture) but often overlooked fact- righteousness is not ours to work towards. We have it, plain and simple. Christ's life, death and resurrection imparted to us a righteousness that we did nothing to earn, and couldn't if we tried. We were sinners, lost in a lifestyle of sin as imparted to us by Adam, but Christ came on the scene and through His life, death and resurrection, gave a new life of righteousness to us as the second Adam. Christ's sacrifice didn't give us a semblance of righteousness but rather the real thing, with all that comes with it. It would be unjust for God to allow death to enter the world through sin without us doing anything to earn that and then expect that we should have to do something to earn the restoration from that sin through actions of our own. So, first point- We ARE righteous even before we do anything because of Christ.
To the whole giving-up-stuff-because-it's-what-you-do-during-lent syndrome, I'm all for it...if. If that giving up is about us turning our affections for the things of this world (which are often so glitzy and seemingly glamorous) back to the one who created those things and gave them to us to enjoy (and who came into the world in such an unassuming way that many people missed it). It's not about turning away from those things for 40 days because it shows some piety or sacrifice on our part, it's about turning from those things for those 40 days and to God and saying, "now what do I do with this extra time/energy/mental capacity that has been freed up by me laying down some things that were cluttering up my life."
I, personally, am tired of people telling me what they gave up for lent, without them following that statement up with what they are now picking up...
You stopped watching television? Awesome, do you pray more?
You stopped talking on the phone? Great, do you spend more time on relationships?
You stopped facebook or myspacing (but who does that anymore anyway)? Phenomenal, do you spend more time in quiet reflection?
My question to myself as much as anyone else is, what is it about lent that is about building Christ up in our lives? Is this season just a time for me to say I gave someting up for God, or is it a time for me to look back and remember how I drew closer to Him, learned more about Him, and saw how the things I put so much stock in pale in comparison to the one who gave me every good and perfect gift to enjoy in the first place? Is this a season I grin and bear without my most recent and favorite crutch, candy, game, or distraction? Or is this a time when the hunger and desire for those things pushes me to discover who made them so amazing in the first place. I pray I continually look past the seen to the unseen, and past the things I can give up to He who created all things and called them "good."
Pursue. Original.
D
Let me explain what I mean. Many of us go into Lent without a fully accurate understanding of its history. There is this pervasive misconception that it is somehow a season instituted through some biblical mandate to set aside very specific time surrounding the date of our remembrance of Christ's death to become more fully aligned with that suffering by...um...giving up XBOX? Yeah, there seems to be a disconnect there for me. I mean, isn't this season of Christ's death and subsequent resurrection supposed to be more of a time to remember how those acts bought us out of the hands of a fate far worse than death? Isn't Christ's resurrection, the cross upon which he hung, and the tomb in which he lay more about how we are now walking in "the righteousness of God" then how we should give up ultimately meaningless things to somehow remember him more fully? Don't get me wrong, I am all about pulling away from the everyday and the things which consume us to focus on getting to know God more, but how many of us actually do that? How many of us lay things down and actually turn our efforts and attentions that would normally be focused on ourselves on the one who created those same selves? Or is it (as it has been for me), something we do because giving up stuff for God makes us feel better about us, and somehow helps us feel as if we are a part of the process of sanctification/justification/righteousness that we are all called to?
Let's start with an obvious (according to the scripture) but often overlooked fact- righteousness is not ours to work towards. We have it, plain and simple. Christ's life, death and resurrection imparted to us a righteousness that we did nothing to earn, and couldn't if we tried. We were sinners, lost in a lifestyle of sin as imparted to us by Adam, but Christ came on the scene and through His life, death and resurrection, gave a new life of righteousness to us as the second Adam. Christ's sacrifice didn't give us a semblance of righteousness but rather the real thing, with all that comes with it. It would be unjust for God to allow death to enter the world through sin without us doing anything to earn that and then expect that we should have to do something to earn the restoration from that sin through actions of our own. So, first point- We ARE righteous even before we do anything because of Christ.
To the whole giving-up-stuff-because-it's-what-you-do-during-lent syndrome, I'm all for it...if. If that giving up is about us turning our affections for the things of this world (which are often so glitzy and seemingly glamorous) back to the one who created those things and gave them to us to enjoy (and who came into the world in such an unassuming way that many people missed it). It's not about turning away from those things for 40 days because it shows some piety or sacrifice on our part, it's about turning from those things for those 40 days and to God and saying, "now what do I do with this extra time/energy/mental capacity that has been freed up by me laying down some things that were cluttering up my life."
I, personally, am tired of people telling me what they gave up for lent, without them following that statement up with what they are now picking up...
You stopped watching television? Awesome, do you pray more?
You stopped talking on the phone? Great, do you spend more time on relationships?
You stopped facebook or myspacing (but who does that anymore anyway)? Phenomenal, do you spend more time in quiet reflection?
My question to myself as much as anyone else is, what is it about lent that is about building Christ up in our lives? Is this season just a time for me to say I gave someting up for God, or is it a time for me to look back and remember how I drew closer to Him, learned more about Him, and saw how the things I put so much stock in pale in comparison to the one who gave me every good and perfect gift to enjoy in the first place? Is this a season I grin and bear without my most recent and favorite crutch, candy, game, or distraction? Or is this a time when the hunger and desire for those things pushes me to discover who made them so amazing in the first place. I pray I continually look past the seen to the unseen, and past the things I can give up to He who created all things and called them "good."
Pursue. Original.
D
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Don't get wasted
So...today is Ash Wednesday. Funny thing is that, as I was driving into work this morning I realized that, though I have been a Christian for the vast majority of my life, I have absolutely NO idea what the significance of this day is. So, I endeavored to find out. I called a buddy of mine, Andrew Arndt, who is the Associate Pastor at Sanctuary Church in Tulsa to try to get some clarity on this whole deal. It was enlightening to say the least.
We all die. There it is, plain and simple. No one likes to think about that, nor do we like to confront the realities of our mortality, but the truth is the truth- we will all kick the bucket at some point (Thank you Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman). At the point of that death, the Bible indicates that we will stand before a Holy God and face judgment for how our lives were lived while on the earth. Therefore, the crux of Ash Wednesday is summed up in this passage from Genesis 3:19
"for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”
But, more than that, the question that it begs (as Andrew so graciously pointed out) is, what did we do with those passing moments we had on this earth? What did we do with the gift of God called life while we were living it? Now, I'm not talking about adhering to some moralistic code of ethics. I'm not talking solely about whether or not we were nice to our siblings, or gave money to the homeless guy, or kicked the neighbor's stupid dog for barking in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason and keeping half the neighborhood awake on the eve of one of the most important nights of your young life (what- too specific?). No, I am talking about the things that matter- the eternal things.
A rather popular quote within Christianity is "only what is done for God will last." How true. If it is true that God is eternal and His plan for humanity has been playing out for His glory and our good since before time began, then wouldn't it make sense that anything we try to do outside of that plan and outside of a devotion to Him would be utterly futile? Wouldn't it make sense that whatever we do apart from Him would ultimately be destined for failure in the eternal sense? But where does that leave us?
I propose this- that a life submitted to the purposes of God is worth more than all the "success" and accolades that humanity can bestow upon us. I submit that there is a purpose to which each of us has been called and that it is a part of a bigger purpose for the glory of God in the story of mankind. I submit that all of our dreams and ambitions, our talents and ideas, our hopes and our vision, when rightly given over to the God that gave them all to us in the first place, can be a part of something amazing. Now, I dare not define "amazing" in the sense that the rest of humanity does. Yes, for some that will mean accolades and esteem, with their names being lauded and shouted from rooftops (proverbial or real). But, there are still countless others who will live their lives in relative silence, without the world ever knowing their names, or what they did to advance the cause of Christ. But what makes either of these positions better or worse? Nothing but our perception.
We, in our prideful and narcissistic states, long for recognition. We want to be the ones that are known, the ones that are lifted up, the ones whose impact is seen as "making a difference" in someone's life. But, beyond our own selfish ambition, the question that begs is why? We have become so good at masking our selfish hearts within seeming altruistic intentions, believing that if we fool enough people into believing that we just want "the betterment of humanity" and the "glorification of God" by our ambitions, then we have done something for the kingdom. But God doesn't need our ambition, he needs our submission.
Paul in Philippians 2:17 says "Yet even if I am being poured out like an offering as part of the sacrifice and service I offer for your faith, I rejoice, and I share my joy with all of you." There is no ambition here, no pride gilded in tarnished altruism, no desire for the glorification of self. Paul is quite simply desiring to be whatever God would have him to be so that some might be saved. Where is that in my life?
Where is my desire to simply be a conduit for the glory of God to be revealed? Where is my desire to simply be a part of the story of God's power and plan in humanity, regardless of how my part in that story plays out? Where is my desire to simply be "poured out" upon whomever and whatever He chooses? Have I become so guilty of setting sights on things below that the things above lose their luster? Have I become so ensconced in this world (which is but a vapor) that its picket fences, comfortable living, and recognition are all that matter? Am I wasting my life in the pursuit of that which will bring moments of fleeting fancy while on this earth, but leave no one with an impact that will last into their eternity?
John Ortberg by way of Andrew sad something that will probably resonate with me for quite some time. In the pursuit of God's glory and purpose in our lives, it should be our purpose and our chief aim to "be poured out and not wasted." May that ever be my prayer.
We all die. There it is, plain and simple. No one likes to think about that, nor do we like to confront the realities of our mortality, but the truth is the truth- we will all kick the bucket at some point (Thank you Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman). At the point of that death, the Bible indicates that we will stand before a Holy God and face judgment for how our lives were lived while on the earth. Therefore, the crux of Ash Wednesday is summed up in this passage from Genesis 3:19
"for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”
But, more than that, the question that it begs (as Andrew so graciously pointed out) is, what did we do with those passing moments we had on this earth? What did we do with the gift of God called life while we were living it? Now, I'm not talking about adhering to some moralistic code of ethics. I'm not talking solely about whether or not we were nice to our siblings, or gave money to the homeless guy, or kicked the neighbor's stupid dog for barking in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason and keeping half the neighborhood awake on the eve of one of the most important nights of your young life (what- too specific?). No, I am talking about the things that matter- the eternal things.
A rather popular quote within Christianity is "only what is done for God will last." How true. If it is true that God is eternal and His plan for humanity has been playing out for His glory and our good since before time began, then wouldn't it make sense that anything we try to do outside of that plan and outside of a devotion to Him would be utterly futile? Wouldn't it make sense that whatever we do apart from Him would ultimately be destined for failure in the eternal sense? But where does that leave us?
I propose this- that a life submitted to the purposes of God is worth more than all the "success" and accolades that humanity can bestow upon us. I submit that there is a purpose to which each of us has been called and that it is a part of a bigger purpose for the glory of God in the story of mankind. I submit that all of our dreams and ambitions, our talents and ideas, our hopes and our vision, when rightly given over to the God that gave them all to us in the first place, can be a part of something amazing. Now, I dare not define "amazing" in the sense that the rest of humanity does. Yes, for some that will mean accolades and esteem, with their names being lauded and shouted from rooftops (proverbial or real). But, there are still countless others who will live their lives in relative silence, without the world ever knowing their names, or what they did to advance the cause of Christ. But what makes either of these positions better or worse? Nothing but our perception.
We, in our prideful and narcissistic states, long for recognition. We want to be the ones that are known, the ones that are lifted up, the ones whose impact is seen as "making a difference" in someone's life. But, beyond our own selfish ambition, the question that begs is why? We have become so good at masking our selfish hearts within seeming altruistic intentions, believing that if we fool enough people into believing that we just want "the betterment of humanity" and the "glorification of God" by our ambitions, then we have done something for the kingdom. But God doesn't need our ambition, he needs our submission.
Paul in Philippians 2:17 says "Yet even if I am being poured out like an offering as part of the sacrifice and service I offer for your faith, I rejoice, and I share my joy with all of you." There is no ambition here, no pride gilded in tarnished altruism, no desire for the glorification of self. Paul is quite simply desiring to be whatever God would have him to be so that some might be saved. Where is that in my life?
Where is my desire to simply be a conduit for the glory of God to be revealed? Where is my desire to simply be a part of the story of God's power and plan in humanity, regardless of how my part in that story plays out? Where is my desire to simply be "poured out" upon whomever and whatever He chooses? Have I become so guilty of setting sights on things below that the things above lose their luster? Have I become so ensconced in this world (which is but a vapor) that its picket fences, comfortable living, and recognition are all that matter? Am I wasting my life in the pursuit of that which will bring moments of fleeting fancy while on this earth, but leave no one with an impact that will last into their eternity?
John Ortberg by way of Andrew sad something that will probably resonate with me for quite some time. In the pursuit of God's glory and purpose in our lives, it should be our purpose and our chief aim to "be poured out and not wasted." May that ever be my prayer.
Friday, February 20, 2009
What comes next
I'm not even going to try and apologize for not writing in a long time. Not going to attempt to make some vain promise about how I will get better. I probably won't. But at least I'm aware of the problem- right? :)
So, we're in the midst of a transitional time in my life. I'd love to say that I exactly knew from what I was transitioning, or to what I was transitioning, but that answer currently seems to escape me. All I can say is that I'm going somewhere because where I've been for these past several years just isn't working.
These past few weeks have been interesting for me. The best way I can think to describe them is in the words of Charles Dickens in A Tale of Two Cities, "It (is) the best of times and it (is) the worst of times." Right now it feels as if everything that I once thought I understood is being stripped away, and all of my concrete ideas are suddenly turning to some indiscernible mush that is increasingly difficult to stand on. If you read The Painful Inbetween it will give you a better sense of where I am right now. And though that place hasn't necessarily changed, I am not going to revisit that right now. Instead, on to Mr. Dickens' statement.
It really is the best of times right now, not because of what I am currently experiencing, but rather because of where I have to believe that all of this is leading me. It's like what Paul says in Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." I get it. I mean, I understand that there really is some greater purpose to which we have all been called. I am "not my own," "bought with a price," the whole bit. I really do see how this short time of struggle (because in the grand scheme of things, 6 years really isn't that long), is nothing compared to what God can and will do in my life over time. So, I understand how this is the best of times, because it's a part of some grander (yep, I said grander) plan, some plan that has yet to be revealed and will ultimately be a part of the story of life that we all live out together to His glory. It really is the "best of times."
But it's also "the worst of times." As I stated previously, nothing I planned for my life has worked out the way I thought it would. I'm kind of at an impasse with nowhere to look but up. Everything that I have ever in any way found identity or solace in is kind of being stripped away from me right now. I love my job, but can't stay here financially and am working two others just to make ends meet. I've been involved in two accidents in the span of a month that my insurance company has seen fit to deem my fault, my girlfriend and I are no longer together, and I have no really strong friendships in Dallas right now to draw on. To say it's hard is to make one of the truest understatements I have heard in quite some time.
But I'm still hopeful. I still know that this is all a part of some plan that I can neither control, nor fully understand. Everything does happen for a reason, and even in the midst and in spite of the pain- God's bigger, and His plan is being worked out. Bread comes to me daily, and I need to learn to accept that, even when I don't understand why things are happening the way they are and even if I would have chosen a different path.
There's a great couple of verses from the Caedmon's Call song Table for Two that really sticks out to me right now:
Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.
Help me God to get to sleep, not in the sense that I am lackadaisically going through life, but rather in the sense that I rest in the knowledge that it's all working out for a greater good and a greater glory.
Pursue. Original.
Damany
So, we're in the midst of a transitional time in my life. I'd love to say that I exactly knew from what I was transitioning, or to what I was transitioning, but that answer currently seems to escape me. All I can say is that I'm going somewhere because where I've been for these past several years just isn't working.
These past few weeks have been interesting for me. The best way I can think to describe them is in the words of Charles Dickens in A Tale of Two Cities, "It (is) the best of times and it (is) the worst of times." Right now it feels as if everything that I once thought I understood is being stripped away, and all of my concrete ideas are suddenly turning to some indiscernible mush that is increasingly difficult to stand on. If you read The Painful Inbetween it will give you a better sense of where I am right now. And though that place hasn't necessarily changed, I am not going to revisit that right now. Instead, on to Mr. Dickens' statement.
It really is the best of times right now, not because of what I am currently experiencing, but rather because of where I have to believe that all of this is leading me. It's like what Paul says in Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." I get it. I mean, I understand that there really is some greater purpose to which we have all been called. I am "not my own," "bought with a price," the whole bit. I really do see how this short time of struggle (because in the grand scheme of things, 6 years really isn't that long), is nothing compared to what God can and will do in my life over time. So, I understand how this is the best of times, because it's a part of some grander (yep, I said grander) plan, some plan that has yet to be revealed and will ultimately be a part of the story of life that we all live out together to His glory. It really is the "best of times."
But it's also "the worst of times." As I stated previously, nothing I planned for my life has worked out the way I thought it would. I'm kind of at an impasse with nowhere to look but up. Everything that I have ever in any way found identity or solace in is kind of being stripped away from me right now. I love my job, but can't stay here financially and am working two others just to make ends meet. I've been involved in two accidents in the span of a month that my insurance company has seen fit to deem my fault, my girlfriend and I are no longer together, and I have no really strong friendships in Dallas right now to draw on. To say it's hard is to make one of the truest understatements I have heard in quite some time.
But I'm still hopeful. I still know that this is all a part of some plan that I can neither control, nor fully understand. Everything does happen for a reason, and even in the midst and in spite of the pain- God's bigger, and His plan is being worked out. Bread comes to me daily, and I need to learn to accept that, even when I don't understand why things are happening the way they are and even if I would have chosen a different path.
There's a great couple of verses from the Caedmon's Call song Table for Two that really sticks out to me right now:
Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.
Help me God to get to sleep, not in the sense that I am lackadaisically going through life, but rather in the sense that I rest in the knowledge that it's all working out for a greater good and a greater glory.
Pursue. Original.
Damany
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