Don't get wasted

So...today is Ash Wednesday. Funny thing is that, as I was driving into work this morning I realized that, though I have been a Christian for the vast majority of my life, I have absolutely NO idea what the significance of this day is. So, I endeavored to find out. I called a buddy of mine, Andrew Arndt, who is the Associate Pastor at Sanctuary Church in Tulsa to try to get some clarity on this whole deal. It was enlightening to say the least.

We all die. There it is, plain and simple. No one likes to think about that, nor do we like to confront the realities of our mortality, but the truth is the truth- we will all kick the bucket at some point (Thank you Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman). At the point of that death, the Bible indicates that we will stand before a Holy God and face judgment for how our lives were lived while on the earth. Therefore, the crux of Ash Wednesday is summed up in this passage from Genesis 3:19

"for dust you are
and to dust you will return.”

But, more than that, the question that it begs (as Andrew so graciously pointed out) is, what did we do with those passing moments we had on this earth? What did we do with the gift of God called life while we were living it? Now, I'm not talking about adhering to some moralistic code of ethics. I'm not talking solely about whether or not we were nice to our siblings, or gave money to the homeless guy, or kicked the neighbor's stupid dog for barking in the middle of the night for absolutely no reason and keeping half the neighborhood awake on the eve of one of the most important nights of your young life (what- too specific?). No, I am talking about the things that matter- the eternal things.

A rather popular quote within Christianity is "only what is done for God will last." How true. If it is true that God is eternal and His plan for humanity has been playing out for His glory and our good since before time began, then wouldn't it make sense that anything we try to do outside of that plan and outside of a devotion to Him would be utterly futile? Wouldn't it make sense that whatever we do apart from Him would ultimately be destined for failure in the eternal sense? But where does that leave us?

I propose this- that a life submitted to the purposes of God is worth more than all the "success" and accolades that humanity can bestow upon us. I submit that there is a purpose to which each of us has been called and that it is a part of a bigger purpose for the glory of God in the story of mankind. I submit that all of our dreams and ambitions, our talents and ideas, our hopes and our vision, when rightly given over to the God that gave them all to us in the first place, can be a part of something amazing. Now, I dare not define "amazing" in the sense that the rest of humanity does. Yes, for some that will mean accolades and esteem, with their names being lauded and shouted from rooftops (proverbial or real). But, there are still countless others who will live their lives in relative silence, without the world ever knowing their names, or what they did to advance the cause of Christ. But what makes either of these positions better or worse? Nothing but our perception.

We, in our prideful and narcissistic states, long for recognition. We want to be the ones that are known, the ones that are lifted up, the ones whose impact is seen as "making a difference" in someone's life. But, beyond our own selfish ambition, the question that begs is why? We have become so good at masking our selfish hearts within seeming altruistic intentions, believing that if we fool enough people into believing that we just want "the betterment of humanity" and the "glorification of God" by our ambitions, then we have done something for the kingdom. But God doesn't need our ambition, he needs our submission.

Paul in Philippians 2:17 says "Yet even if I am being poured out like an offering as part of the sacrifice and service I offer for your faith, I rejoice, and I share my joy with all of you." There is no ambition here, no pride gilded in tarnished altruism, no desire for the glorification of self. Paul is quite simply desiring to be whatever God would have him to be so that some might be saved. Where is that in my life?

Where is my desire to simply be a conduit for the glory of God to be revealed? Where is my desire to simply be a part of the story of God's power and plan in humanity, regardless of how my part in that story plays out? Where is my desire to simply be "poured out" upon whomever and whatever He chooses? Have I become so guilty of setting sights on things below that the things above lose their luster? Have I become so ensconced in this world (which is but a vapor) that its picket fences, comfortable living, and recognition are all that matter? Am I wasting my life in the pursuit of that which will bring moments of fleeting fancy while on this earth, but leave no one with an impact that will last into their eternity?

John Ortberg by way of Andrew sad something that will probably resonate with me for quite some time. In the pursuit of God's glory and purpose in our lives, it should be our purpose and our chief aim to "be poured out and not wasted." May that ever be my prayer.

What comes next

I'm not even going to try and apologize for not writing in a long time. Not going to attempt to make some vain promise about how I will get better. I probably won't. But at least I'm aware of the problem- right? :)

So, we're in the midst of a transitional time in my life. I'd love to say that I exactly knew from what I was transitioning, or to what I was transitioning, but that answer currently seems to escape me. All I can say is that I'm going somewhere because where I've been for these past several years just isn't working.

These past few weeks have been interesting for me. The best way I can think to describe them is in the words of Charles Dickens in A Tale of Two Cities, "It (is) the best of times and it (is) the worst of times." Right now it feels as if everything that I once thought I understood is being stripped away, and all of my concrete ideas are suddenly turning to some indiscernible mush that is increasingly difficult to stand on. If you read The Painful Inbetween it will give you a better sense of where I am right now. And though that place hasn't necessarily changed, I am not going to revisit that right now. Instead, on to Mr. Dickens' statement.

It really is the best of times right now, not because of what I am currently experiencing, but rather because of where I have to believe that all of this is leading me. It's like what Paul says in Romans 8:18, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." I get it. I mean, I understand that there really is some greater purpose to which we have all been called. I am "not my own," "bought with a price," the whole bit. I really do see how this short time of struggle (because in the grand scheme of things, 6 years really isn't that long), is nothing compared to what God can and will do in my life over time. So, I understand how this is the best of times, because it's a part of some grander (yep, I said grander) plan, some plan that has yet to be revealed and will ultimately be a part of the story of life that we all live out together to His glory. It really is the "best of times."

But it's also "the worst of times." As I stated previously, nothing I planned for my life has worked out the way I thought it would. I'm kind of at an impasse with nowhere to look but up. Everything that I have ever in any way found identity or solace in is kind of being stripped away from me right now. I love my job, but can't stay here financially and am working two others just to make ends meet. I've been involved in two accidents in the span of a month that my insurance company has seen fit to deem my fault, my girlfriend and I are no longer together, and I have no really strong friendships in Dallas right now to draw on. To say it's hard is to make one of the truest understatements I have heard in quite some time.

But I'm still hopeful. I still know that this is all a part of some plan that I can neither control, nor fully understand. Everything does happen for a reason, and even in the midst and in spite of the pain- God's bigger, and His plan is being worked out. Bread comes to me daily, and I need to learn to accept that, even when I don't understand why things are happening the way they are and even if I would have chosen a different path.

There's a great couple of verses from the Caedmon's Call song Table for Two that really sticks out to me right now:

Well this day's been crazy
But everything's happened on schedule
from the rain and the cold
To the drink that I spilled on my shirt
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

Help me God to get to sleep, not in the sense that I am lackadaisically going through life, but rather in the sense that I rest in the knowledge that it's all working out for a greater good and a greater glory.

Pursue. Original.
Damany