Tuesday, July 22, 2008

When fog lights the way...

I've been trying to write something creative for quite some time now, and nothing comes to me. I can't seem to figure out why. It's like there's some sort of blockage to the creative flow of ideas that has at other times flowed so freely from my mind. It kind of sucks. It seems like I am in this dry spell. The interesting thing is that often when I find myself in situations such as the one I am in now (i.e. jobless, seeking vision and direction), the weight of the situation virtually compels me to write. Poems flow, blogs come in abundance, and the tide of creative thought can scarcely be stemmed. This situation seems to be quite the opposite. By the way, if you're reading this post looking for some sort of nugget hidden amidst the drivel, I can't promise that it'll be there. This is just me writing as I think, trying frantically to get my thoughts on paper (well, sort of) before they escape and hoping that the processing of paper will lead me to some sort of identifiable conclusion.

Ok, here's where I am. At this point, we all know that I was let go from my position with Teen Mania after only five months being there. It threw me for a definite loop. It came out of nowhere, especially after the warm welcome I received when I first came on staff from people at all levels of leadership. To say that it was upsetting, frustrating, and overall pretty sucky for me would be a tad bit or an understatement. Nevertheless, as I have also indicated in previous blogs God met me at the point of my need and hooked me up with a temporary job that started two days after my old one ended. That's now over as well, and it forces me to confront the harsh reality of my situation. I'm unemployed. Again. I thought I had a more long term solution on the horizon, but that dell through, so I am grinding it out, searching for something that is my "next," though I am not entirely sure which direction I am to be walking in. I mean, there are lots of things that I love and enjoy working on, but which of those things am I to expend my energy in accomplishing? I have no idea.

Here are a couple of my aphorisms for life right now:
1. Pursue. Original.
2. Run boldly in the direction of your dreams.

My question now is, what if you're not even sure what those dreams are anymore? What do you do when the direction is hazy, when a low lying fog occludes even the path from being seen? The Bible says in Psalms 119:105 that God's word is "a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." So often I have counseled people with this scripture, declaring that we should trust God to let us see the next step instead of always trying to figure out the everything. I find myself in the place of my own counsel. I can't see the path though... and that scares me a little bit. I mean, I know what I enjoy and at what I excel, but how they play together and how to get paid for them is a different story all together. I really thought I had found something for which I was uniquely suited at my last job, managing and inspiring people, leading creative initiatives, travelling, being a part of impacting a culture and shaping a generation. And now, that's gone. So what's next? Where is that light that supposedly breaks through the dawn and illumines the path before me so I know what direction to run boldly towards?

I'm ready to be settled. Not bored and stoic, just settled. I'm ready for some stability. I don't mean I want to settle in one place for the rest of my life, I simply mean I want things to come together in a way that makes sense. I want all the tales of my life to come together to craft a story, and for all the pieces to come together to create the mosaic that is my future- that is my life. I want my life to count for more than right now. I'm ready for true vision. The type of vision that compels change, first in yourself, and later in the world around you. I'm ready for the kind of vision that paints before you a future you can see-if not yet touch, until the brushstrokes of dreams become the concrete of realities. May that day come quickly.


1 comment:

Denver said...