Saturday, April 26, 2008

Going to Ground

You know, i used to have this thing about comparison. I mean, it's something we all do on occasion, but I used to look at my life- the way I processed and reacted to things, how change affected me, how I worked, what I did and didn't like- and wonder if there was something wrong with it. I didn't do or, on occasion, like the same things as everyone else, and I often found myself needing to work within a specific framework or environment in order for me to operate as effectively as possible. Somewhere along the way, I had convinced myself that all these things- this way that I was me- was somehow wrong. I should adapt to the culture around me, should process or react, work or relate the way others did. "I mean, come on look at (fill in the blank), they do things this way and look at how successful they have been at it," I would think to myself as I attempted to constantly change. Instead of change, all I got was frustration.

Then I thought more about everything and realized that it wasn't my processing that was wrong, but rather the way in which I processed my processing. Sounds mildly circuitous but I promise it makes sense. instead of figuring out how to process in a way that makes the best use of who I was made to be, I began to get caught up in seeing how I could conform that to ways that seemed effective in other people. But it doesn't work. I know that nothing in this post is necessarily earth shaking or revelationary (yep, I made that up- would you have it any other way?) it's just where I am right now. This lack of willingness to accept me for me has robbed me of discovering the fullest extent of who I am as an individual. I've found myself standing in front of a two way mirror that's been dirtied by my face against the glass looking into a world that clamors for everyone's attention, not realizing that if I would only turn on the light and step back, I could see myself for who I am.

So, I stop that and start becoming okay with me and how/when/what I process and deal with. This is my life and instead of merely playing the cards that I've been dealt and hoping that they will change into someone's else's hand, I will instead choose to play my hand well. I will instead choose to anchor myself in who I am and watch as one committed soul, with arms linked to those who would be revolutionaries to the right and left of him, is a part of changing the trajectory of this world.


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