Listen to the ass

For some strange reason this morning, I felt compelled to read the story of Balaam and his donkey, actually, for the purposes of shock value and the fact that I can actually get away with it if I use Old English, I read again the story of Balaam and his ass. It's one of those stories that you probably know if you've been a christian for any length of time, especially if you were raised in church like me. Because of that, however, I think it is also one of those stories that few people actually read for themselves. I decided to no longer be one of those people, so I read it.

Here's the basic recap... Balaam is headed to Moab with the messengers from the Moabite king because he got scared of the Israelites. He thinks they're going to wipe him off the face of the planet because there are so many of them and wants Balaam to pronounce a curse on them so he can get rid of them. Balaam agrees to go with the guys after some crafty negotiating and wakes up the next morning to make the (presumably) long trek to the king. On the way an Angel of the Lord is standing in his way ready to kill him, but his donkey three times stops and occasionally causes him injury to keep him from going on. Balaam gets mad at his donkey each time because he can't see the impending doom that is feet in front of him. Finally, the donkey speaks:

What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?"

29 Balaam answered the donkey, "You have made a fool of me! If I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now."

30 The donkey said to Balaam, "Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?"
"No," he said.

First of all, does anyone else find it strange that Balaam doesn't even flinch when his Donkey (made capital because it is now his proper name) starts yammering at him? Is this a part of normal course in ancient Israel? Do people regularly sit and have chats with their animals about the matters of the day? Man, are we missing out. Think of all the wonderful things your pets could say- why they chewed up the furniture, why they chase their tail, why they just don't like your significant other...the list is endless. But alas, we don't. So sad.

Ok, enough with the randomness. After the Donkey speaks, the Lord opens up Balaam's eyes and he sees the angel standing in the road with his sword raised and finally gets it. He apologizes profusely and vows to turn back if it will appease an angry God (funny what you'll do when faced with you own mortal peril). God tells him to go on but only say what He wants him to say.

Here's the thing that sticks out to me as I am sure it has stuck out to thousands upon thousands of people before me- the Donkey. Here was a part of Balaam's everyday life that God was desperately trying to communicate to Balaam through, but he was so set on pursuing his own path and his own course of action that he never realized that his own demise was drawing nigh (see, I told you I was going to stick with some Olde English). How often is that the case with me?

I have a plan. I have a direction in which I am headed and I am dead set on getting there come hell or highwater, but things derail me. So, instead of necessarily assessing where I am or why the thing has been derailed, I get back on the horse (or Donkey) and plod along (please note the continual equestrian references) hoping that maybe this time will be better. Things stay the same and I try again, never realizing that perhaps a change of course is necessary. "I mean, it seemed like a good idea and direction at the time, so how come it isn't working? Why can't I find the break that I'm looking for? I know God said to do (fill in the blank) so, now what?" These are some of the questions I have posed of late and often to a deafening wall of silence from the Jesus (pronounced hay-soos for those of you wondering). But what if the silence is an indication that I'm missing something? What if the fact that each of these things that are not working out the way I thought that they should is not a sign that more faith is required to persevere, but rather a sign that something new is needed? my father always said to us, "don't get to be forty and look back on your life and realize that you missed out or messed up because you weren't listening to what God told you to do."

I had a guy come up to me at City Worship a few weeks ago. Now nornmally I am hesitant to have random people come up and want to pray with me. I'm not caught up in the whole transferrence of spirits thing, it's more because I like my Jesus (pronounced Jesus) time to be my time without any external incursion. But, he came up to me and asked me if he could pray with me. I said yes. After praying and as he was walking away, he turned to me and said, "sometimes you have to just keep digging until you find water." I said the requisite "thank you" and possibly even an "amen" and then he left. Later, as I thought about what he said, I realized I had missed out on the core of the message in the simple words. When digging a well, a well digger (the acutal title for the job) may have to try several locations before he strikes water. All the time he's digging, he has to believe that this one (or when it's proven to be dry- the next one) will be the spot for the water he's been searching for. But through all of that, he cannot (for you Kelsey) stop digging. He can't get frustrated and throw up his hands because it didn't work out the first few times- he has to keep pushing on and trying new things when what he's trying doesn't yield any results. So too with us.

When what you're doing doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere, try something new. But remember to be cognizant of the everything around you because God is probably speaking to you through things and people that you weren't necessarily looking or listening for. May I always be aware, oh Lord, of your voice, in whatever form it comes.

Oh yeah, the other thing that has been sticking out to me of late is the concept that as Jesus gets big in your life, everything else seems to be insignificant. I heard it again for the first time from a mentor friend of mine, then again in church on Sunday, and then again from Laura's blog entitled Full in His Face. I could go into more detail about that concept, but she does a fabulous job so go read what she said. Actually, just go ahead and subscribe to all her blogs. Love ya Foot!

D-$

Views from the Vagabond

So, every morning I get an e-mail from some random person in some random state with a bunch of quotes designed to inspire me to accomplish great things. It's really one of the greatest things you can imagine. I mean, every morning (yep, even including Saturday and Sunday) I get to hear from some of the world's and history's most influential and impacting people- not a bad deal. Anyway (please note the absence of the letter s from the preceding word- my cause for the week is gramattical correctness), today there were a host of quotes from people ranging from Ayn Rand to the incomperable Lucille Ball , but the one that stuck out to me was from the queen of all time television herself- Madame O. Yep, Oprah Winfrey in a recent issue of O magazine (I say recent, but I have no idea as there was no date attached) said the following: "Understand that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege. Use it. Dwell in possiblity." What stuck out most to me was the latter part of that quote, "dwell in possibility."

If anyone knows me, they know that I try to be big on seeing possibility out of the bleakest and most desire of circumstances- including my own. Sure, I get frustrated and want to throw in the towel on occasion, but by and large, I try to hold onto hope (things are gonna get better- Thank you TV singers) even when things seem hopeless. I mean ultimately it's what little we can hold on to when all else seems to fail. For those of you that do not know this about me, I have been basically homeless for the past several months (and by basically, I mean I have been). Now I don't mean homeless in the sense that I have been despondent or living on the street corner begging for change, no I simply mean I have been in a pretty consistent state of transition for the better part of 7 months. It's been humbling to say the least. Currently I reside on a couch at a friend's house who has been kind enough to open his doors to me, the vagabond from Brooklyn. I love it and I hate it.

Recently, this friend of mine and I had a conversation about my current state and why I was in it. My only answer boiled down to one word- hope. I know that the outside of this present circumstance seems bleak and dire, but I know that ultimately there is hope. I have a job, and I love it even if it isn't paying me as much as I could be elsewhere. I am getting to create something where there once was nothing- it's exhilirating. I am surrounded by friends of the highest calliber who do nothing but support me in all that I do (ergo my current living situation) and I am on the path of something great. I don't entirely know what that is or what it looks like, but I know that I am.

Countless times I have been asked why I don't simple get a different job and start afresh. Get my own place, get off the couch and be a responsible adult. Again- hope. There is an inward hope that somehow I have made the right decision. I mean, I just know it. Starting your own something is never easy. Deciding to fly in the face of convention is unorthodox at best, insane at worst. But, nevertheless I know it's right. I know that to continue to plod along after a dream that is continuing to take shape as I live it is what I am supposed to do. I strive for a seemingly unattainable goal, and that keeps me hungry. I want to see the world changed. I want arts and music to sweep the world in such a way that people can not help but be changed by its influences. I want to see lives made better by the others they come into contact with. It's impossible to see that fully realized in my lifetime- I get that- and that's what keeps me striving for its attainment, the hope that I will see some part of it in my now.

Here's my bottom line. I will continue to strive for that which sometimes seems to only make sense in my head. I will be tempered by experiences and the friends around me who are good enough to support me and to be honest at the same time. I am committed to the pursuit of a vision and the dedication to a dream even if I don't always know what exactly that dream or vision is. I am committed to pursuing purpose and to not giving up because things get difficult. I've been homeless, and it's been liberating because it has taught me the value of friendship and the value of hope. I seek to constantly dwell in possibility.


D-$

You're the wake in my morning
the dream in my sleep
You're my everything
and nothing is found when I speak

You move me to words
only silence conveys
you're what opens and captures
my heart to be free

I feell like I'm fighting for every inch of your heart
on a battlefield of memories
across painful seas that won't part

In a press for the moment
As I contend for the chance
to allow your soul to move me
to let our hearts dance

Because brushing past my lies
are lips that speak to what's inside
And as I fall into your arms
there I lose all my disguise

Corners

Silent, questioning, she wondered
aloud and tried to find
the answers to her queries
and end to troubled mind
Though beginning was her journey
neverending was her search
long necked tower as her steeple
rock and blues her hymns of church

and we stood there on the corner
Superstar and saints in wait
deciphering tomorrow
while unfolding brittle faith

She spoke to me of striving
by strength and faith to contend
for the secret silence angels speak
that trumpet worlds without an end

I told her of my falling when she asked about my faith
a momentary meeting
of humanity and grace

I told her that through failure
flowing gently from the cross
is a prayer that claims forgiveness
salvation for the lost

And we paused while looking upward
towards a future we can't see
we dared to dream forgiveness
and in the still, heard small voice speak

I loved you from the moment
when through your eyes I saw your soul
when sheepish over shoulder
a glance I stole
away from childish dreams
and fancied nights
of tossing turning restlesness
and early autumn light
breaks down the pathway to the heart
wherein I've hid
the secret scars that bind me
find me oft cowering within
the smiles built up walls with moated
failsafe fallback plans
that bid me all too often
play it safe
from danger and deceit
hurt lies and fearful chance
stay tucked away fhalf complete
locked in the dance
of going nowhere
moving back as fast I gain
footholds towards tomorrow
hope is lain
bare before reality
but there rising from indemnity
I see light
where once the perfidy
of my occluded treachery
kept me locked in as the enemy
of myself
i fight
you push
in final gasp for light
i find
You were always there

SHE

There exists within my mind
The thought that I might find
A love so fleeting so escaping
That its discovery opens to me
A wealth of possibility
Behind whose doors are those things
That cause poets to write
And singers to sing
About their muse
That which can so easily confuse
Confounding expectation
And limiting one’s observation
To only that which exists within the pages of lore
And the staff of score-s
Of missed opportunity
And that which is tragedy
As you hold to the possibility
That maybe
This one
Might be
she

©2006 J. Damany Daniel

clarity

clouded vision breaks
and through broken night i see
what fear deprived me

nike ain't easy...

So, I worry that I may have inadvertantly and adversely affected the nature of friendships that I hold dear. I am not sure if this is an accurate reflection, but nevertheless one that I am currently feeling. I realize that we all act in a lot of ways out of our hurts, out of our fears and out of our insecurities. That was great to know when it was someone else, but a lot different when it is me on the acting end and not on the counseling and processing end of those hurts and pains. For the longest time I have advised friends and family alike as to the best ways to handle their situations, often adopting the "Nike-esque" philosophy of just do it. Often I was able to be with people at their greatest moments of personal change and was honored to be a part of those moments. But here, at this moment of consternation in my life, I find myself stuck, immobilized by a force more gripping than any other I have confronted-- fear.

How can this be, I wonder. I mean I have always talked about how it is better to just confront that which lies in front of you as opposed to allowing it to languish on ad infinitum. I have always felt, no known, that it really is better to grab life by the horns and attempt to steer it in whatsoever direction you choose, regardless of the impact it may or may not have on current situations. I mean, it is better to live life knowing what cards are in your hand then to constantly wonder about the efficacy of what may or may not be.


So, to anyone I have ever spoken to about confronting fear and simply overcoming it, I apologize. Fear is a cruel mistress that is not so easily overcome by simple decision. Now, I still contend that fear is overcome by simply oveercoming it, but the ease with which that overcoming happens is not at all how I have often presented it. Yeah, just get over stuff, confront the past, your situation, your personal beliefs that stand in the way of further development because it really is just that easy. Right.

sight

I saw you staring
and in breathless wonder I
knew i was undone

The Gripping

Someone told me once that, broken down, there are two primary motivators in life-- fear and love. Warning, this is going to be one of those messy ones...

What is it about fear that keeps you immobile? This morning as I stood in the shower (woohoo and hooray for the washing) I thought about this blog. Yeah, I purposed to write this and had great ideas as to what I would write. Those ideas have now escaped me, so I will fuddle my way through this one and hope that the end of it makes at least some of the sense I was intending for it at the beginning. Back to fear. As it is well documented, I have been on this journey of sorts of late and the process is not always pleasant. Confronting the darker areas of my life that have for so long been repressed and relegated to the back corners of my mind is never an easy task, much less so when the mechanism for their repressing is being forcefully stripped away by circumstance. Someone asked me recently if I was enjoying what I was going through (referring specifically to the class I am taking) I honestly had to respond that I was not, but that it was good--it was healing... eventually. Right now it just hurts.

I have been unable to sleep well for the past several nights, my heart gripped so heavily by warring emotions that I sometimes feel as if it will rend itself in two from the struggle (a little cheesy, I know). I have tried talking it through with some people, but there is no clarity there, just further confusion. And so, I lay in my bed at night, tossing and turning for what seems like (and probably is) hours at a time of fitful demi-sleep. But again, I digress and am avoiding the thing which has sparked all of this--fear. I am afraid of change. Sure, I tell people that it is a joy to revel in and should be welcomed with open arms, and while that is true, when that change could unravel everything you hold dear, it is not (at least to me) always so welcomed.

Someone recently described a psychological concept to me that I think bears mentioning in this entry. The concept is this; there comes a point where the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change, and the person is motivated to change as a result. I have termed this concept 'the fulcrum.' I wonder what that tipping point is, you know the point at which I will just say, "consequences be damned," and run full speed ahead into what may be great change or great heartache? Is there such a point, or is that point a choice? Do I wait until something cataclysmic comes to bear and allow that to motivate me to change or will I rationalize away even that in my vain attempt to keep from getting hurt? While I appreciate the reality of the fulcrum, I can not help but wonder if that has not taken away the power of choice from the individual, from me. I mean, it would be wholly easier to contend that I am sitting idly by and not progressing because I am waiting for the tipping point of change when in actuality I am just acting like a candy ass punk unable to get his butt in gear and confront what lies ahead of him.

And so, I wrestle nightly with the extremities of change. The thought that change could be good and propel me forward into a state of unprecedented happiness is in a seemingly epic struggle with the thought that change could leave me hurt more and with little or nothing to show for the attempt. And so last night, I lay in my bed pleading for sleep to come, because in slumber I could find at least momentary respite from the pain of struggle. For a scant few hours there would be a reprieve from the battle to decide and I could hopefully just rest. It finally came. But then, so did morning.

On a happier note, I am writing poetry again. Since I came to Tulsa, it has seemed as if the creative switch has been stuck in the 'off' position. Of late, and prompted in no small way by my current circumstances, it seems to have been switched back on, and for that I am glad. Hooray for poetic verse, for rhyme and meter, for abstractions and grays where once there were only blacks and whites. Hooray!!!

D-$

The other side...

So, yesterday I went out to coffee with the guy I mentioned that I called to talk to about the things going on in my life. (If you don't know and are thoroughly confused, read "As we confront our darker demons..."). It was good. Actually, good is quite an understatement. I never realized the extreme freedom that comes from divulging of yourself to someone whose only interest is in your well being. It was liberating, and as I exposed the inner concerns, struggles and contemplations of my heart and life, it felt as if there were an extremely heavy weight lifted from my shoulders. I mean, here I had been carrying around the burden of my own struggles by myself, never trusting that anyone would be able to, much less interested in helping me with the load. I loved being able to be open about myself and not having to feel like there was a pretense that I had to put up in order to be accepted. I walked past the point of being for acceptance sake and just was for the sake of being (please note the several conjugations of the verb "to be"). At the end of the hour we spent together I felt like I had been handed a new lease on life (a euphemism I have always heard, but never truly understood until recently). The funniest thing is that the hour seemed like it lasted so much longer. Now, I don't mean that in a bad way, you know, not in the 'dear sweet God, this seems to be dragging on ad infinitum' type of long lasting. What I mean is that I felt like I divulged so much information and received so much clarity, that time must have stood still for some portion of that hour. It was great.

Yeah, I knew that some of these entries would be messy and not make much sense, and this is one such entry. I am using this to process through things and appreciate you being patient in the process. Yesterday was the beginning of what is sure to be a journey, and I am grateful for the friends who have committed to stand with me along the way. There are people who come into your life and through an circumstance, stay constant, never changing in their love for you and their support of whatever you endeavor to undertake. To those friends, I say thank you. If you're wondering who you are, it's really quite simple. If, while reading this you smiled a knowing smile, then I mean you. Thank you so much--I love you.

D-$

i thought i knew

I thought I knew you

but in knowing you i saw

i never knew me

Introspections...reflections and phosphourescence

So, yesterday at lunch a good friend of mine invited me to take a class at a local church. The name of the class, healing of the heart and mind. Now, I am not the greatest fan of traditional structured church environments, and am even less of a fan of church class, but after some consternation, I agreed. I went through the rest of the day not giving the class much other thought and went last night at 7:00 to sit through something having no idea what to expect.

So there I sat, me, my friend, and a room full of people that I have never met...ever. There was the usual first day of class chatter about expectations and what not, a brief tidbit from the director of the ministry school that this class was a part of, and an announcement that this class would be taught via video because the teacher was teaching other classes this session. Video? Yeah, that's what I thought. On one hand, I was glad to not have to sit in front of a teacher who might see me sleeping through some of his lectures, but on the other hand, I was more than a little skeptical of how this "healing" was going to happen via a phosphourescent image on a two-dimensional screen (I've been waiting to use the word phosphourescent for quite some time now-thanks). But, the class was about to start, so I figured I would sit through it, unsure if next week I would even return.

This first class was about the biblicality (yeah, it's a made up word) of the whole healing of the heart and mind-nothing too deep, or so I thought. For some reason, the class made me extremely uncomfortable. There I was a 24 year old man with a college degree and several years of practical, real world experience, being made uncomfortable by the topics discussed by a previously scoffed two-dimensional image. It wasn't even that he was saying anything that was cutting to my core. In fact, I think it was the absence of what he was saying that was unnerving. I realized that this was a class of confrontation. No, I wasn't going to have to necessarily tell others my deepest darkest secrets and apologize for the attrocities I had committed through life. Instead the confrontation I sensed was for me, by me. I felt like the next several weeks would be a time for me to unearth all of the things that I had so carefully covered over in an attempt to keep their painful memories from resurfacing and wreaking havoc in an otherwise controlled life. The things like the death of my father, the sense of failure that sometimes looms directly over my head, regardless of the outward signs of achievement that may be visible to others, the feelings of loneliness that I sometimes seek to satiate with being the center of comical attention. Yeah, those things- they were going to be confronted, and I wasn't sure I was going to like it.

Well, the class ended and my friend turned to me over coffee and asked if I was going to be coming back. I paused, looked off into space and chuckled. I knew that it would be far easier for me to keep those things covered, to keep the dirt on top of the pain and trust that people would see and enjoy the dirt they saw because it is all I had ever shown them and they knew no differently of me. I thought about how I would have to confront those things about myself that I hated but had convinced myself were not really as bad as they seemed. I thought about all of that and, jolted back to reality by my friend's gaze answered-- yes.

So, why am I writing about this for all of myspace to read you might ask? As some may have noticed, my previous two blog entries have taken a decidedly different turn from the blog posts of previous days. I realized that I always wrote blogs from the perspective of what I had to offer people. I realize now how presumptious that was of me. So, instead of writing to offer, I will write to reflect and process. I realized that when I am struggling through something, the best way I know to find resolution is to write about it; but the first thing to go when stress comes on me is my desire to write--ironic isn't it? So, I am embarking on a...a something, and I am not quite sure what to call it. Let's just call it a continued foray into honesty, a foray that I am inviting the world to be a part of. I, in the pages of my blogs, will attempt to offer honest reflections and observations about my life and what I experience daily. I am not going to try and clean it up, and some of it will make no sense, but they will be my thoughts, my observations and my failures written more for me that for the rest of the world. Don't worry, I am not going to air my dirty laundry out to dry, this is definitely the medium for that. What I will present to the world will be the way I process things, and I pray that this continued honesty will change, if no one else, me. God bless.

D-$

be. planted. grow. thrive.

So, I was reading My Utmost for His Highest this morning. A very good devotional by any standard and one I highly recommend. The reference this morning came from Matthew 6:30 which reads:

"If God so clothes the grass of the fields...shall He not much more clothe you?"

Oswald chambers was talkng about a number of things in reference to this text, but the thing that stuck out most to me was the following statement, "Many of us refuse to grow where we are put, consequently we take root nowhere." How revelatory of a statement was that for me? HUGE! Just this morning I was praying and thinking about the fact that I feel like I am just squandering right now, not going forward in my business and personal pursuits, but not going backwards either. I mean, I know that leaving some of the places I have left was the right thing for me to do, but now what? Where do I go from here? Am I supposed to stay in Tulsa, move to somewhere, but if so- where? So many question and yet no answer to any of them. And then the revelation of the day hit me.

Oswald (yeah, we're on a first name basis) talks about the fact that God is able to take care of the lilies of the field because of one reason and one reason alone- they are doing exactly what they were created to do and are doing it exactly where God intended for them to do it. I mean seriously, you don't see many lilies running across the street trying to get to the other side of the road because they feel like life will be better for them if they can just get to their destiny over yonder. (Yeah, I said yonder, call it a tribute to my current home) No, lilies are planted and stay there- so they grow. Part of my problem has always been that I see what I want to do, but then compare it to what other people are doing and on some level feel like I may not be measuring up. But, do you think that's fair, I don't. Who am I to say that what God is doing in, through, and for me is any less efficacious than what he is doing in the lives of my friend next door or down the street? Why don't I just learn to be planted and grow instead of trying to see the soil and believe that I know better than the gardener where I should be placed in all of it. Okay, enough horticultural references.

Basically, my point in all of this is that God can only bless me, cause me to grow, prosper me- whatever it is you want to call it- if I am willing to grow here, right here where I am. Flowers grow and birds are fed because they don't try to be something they're not. They know their calling, their purpose, and use every ounce of their being to live to the fullest potential of what they have been created to do. How much more effective could I be if I found out what I was created to do and then did it? What if I was planted, and didn't try to move myself into a position I felt to be better for me? What if I believed that as I followed God, he really would position me to be what I am supposed to be and do what I am supposed to do. What if my life was less about comparison and more about living fulfilled with who and what I am? What sort of growth could I see in my life? What if this whole honesty thing is really as good for the cleansing of the soul as I am believing that it is? Yeah, so that's my piece, be planted where you are and grow in that so God can make you thrive. Mad love to you and your hood.

D-$

As We Confront Our Darker Demons...

I placed a call last week to a guy I have known for several years but have never really connected with. The purpose of this call? To ask him if we could meet up so I could talk through some things with him. Now, some might ask why I would want to talk to somebody I do not know that well about the things that are going on in my life, the things I have chosen to share with no one but God and occasionally (but rarely) the closest of closest of friends (of which there may be three). To be truthful, I don't know. I just felt like it was the right thing to do and so I did. I have no idea what's going to happen and am open to whatever God may be trying to say to me through this whole experience. It might just be that He is teaching me that honesty- naked and open faced honesty before men is what is necessary to deal with hurt and pain that has remained buried under years and years of hidden scars hastily covered over with the cosmetics of jokes, sarcasm, and success in the eyes of some. Maybe He is trying to show me that sometimes it is okay to let your guard down and that doing so is not a sign of weakness, but in actuality a sign of strength more overt than I could imagine. Maybe it's an attempt to show that God's ability to forgive is bigger than my ability to screw up but I have to be willing to admit that I need both Him and other people. Or maybe, I just wanted to get some things off my chest and picked the guy who knew me least and could judge me least severely to do it.

Whatever the reason may be, I am going through with it. Though it may be difficult and I may stumble haphazardly through it, I am going to do it. Though I may have to fight through my initial and then continuing desire to lie and cover up my faults, I am going to press through. Though I may attempt to divert attention from the things I am going through with clever witicisms and subversive attempts to redirect the attention to something else, something other, I am going to do it. I am going to do it because it is my hope that I will come out of this a better man, having confronted my darker self and seen the light that is inherent even there. I am pushing towards that mark that all too often seems to be elusive. That higher calling that constantly reminds me that I am not merely what I see, what I do or even what I am. Instead, I am much more- a product of striving and perseverance, a result of prayers prayed before my birth and until this day. My life and the destiny that it contains are not the result of happenstance and accidental discoveries of purpose along the way, my life is an amalgamation of all my experiences up until now multiplied exponentially by all that God has for me to do. So that's it, my first foray into unashamed honesty. I'll see you on the other side.



D-$